on the edge
(a little short of dying)
my heart pounds against its cage
five times in a single second -
an eternity on the edge
my ears are canyons
reverberating the symphony of blood
as it gushes on ahead of the conductor
Live
Live
Live
the eternal chant
of blood
and breath
and bone
mais je voudrais
le petit mort
so.
close.
the muscles in my calf
stretch up toward the sky,
reaching out in impatience
for a nonexistent deity
expectation
teasing me closer still
desperate
to feel the rush of air
as my body, rigid
falls through its bones
just one more foot
just one more foot
and then another
a body lifted
down to earth
fallen angel; broken spirit
of yet undetermined worth
gifted a new life in death
the chance to be reborn
Womb of Darkness; ever shrouded
through which -
from love’s arms -
this first of many lives is torn
in wild dreams i sleep
in wild dreams i sleep
erratic sheets
and unkempt thoughts
create
visions of a future
I know
I know
I know
uncertain though
i may otherwise be
is meant for me alone
the creation of the universe
in waking hours - when light fills all
seems less a task
than lucid prophecies
of what must be still born
beneath dark lids
and the foreboding
of a darker past
to no child shall my fate lay claim
unheard newborn cries
but rather,
the desperate irrevocable change
of all the world
by and by
the beauty of mortality
and if i could but realize
i’ve only ever wanted that
which never wanted me
i might with true eyes
one day see
that happiness is not a
thing we find
but rather,
like a lock without a key
snowless winter
summer-less rain
painless love
or an endless day
life be nothing more or less
than that which we perceive
and without doubt
shall end in death
else forsake all quality
invisible bars
i’m shackled to a life
i refuse to believe exists
i wake each morning
begging for release
wondering when
if
i’ll ever be free
never will i ever
never will i ever
walk without fear
of all that could happen
should the wrong man appear
never will i ever
know how it feels
to be seen as impenetrable
as if made of steel
never will i ever
live in a world
where i will be praised
for running
or hitting
or succeeding
“like a girl”
never will i ever
be number one
for sitting down
and just getting it done
never will i ever
know what it’s like
to live at the top
and bask in that light
never will i ever
be anything
but what I am
a woman
a female
and - in the eyes of men -
a second-class
citizen
for fear of speaking out
for fear of speaking out
for years i shut my mouth
internalized my pain
and so, immortalized their shame
i know no other way
for this life to play out
than cowered darkness
on display
the perpetuity of non-existence
set ablaze
desperate whispers in my head
unintelligible and vain
beseech me to give in
staking their claim
laid out underground
alone at last
the screams leave my body
a healing balm against an unchangeable past
a traveler's true colors
in a sunset exists
every shade and tint and hue
of goodbye
a re-creation of longing
of missing (out)
the sun does not simply set,
but abandons the world
once again
an inimitable explosion of
color and emotion
blazing, breath-taking, beguiling, brief
the blue sky bewildered anew
at the whim
of a single star,
one scarlet-fire desire
Explore.
every inch of the earth’s
cerulean-jade surface
through the indigo depths of space
all that exists
beyond the horizon
Explore.
the act itself
an inextinguishable inferno
shining white-bright
in the deep-dyed darkness
of absence, of night
otthon
Home is a sunlit
california mountain range
on a bittersweet day
it’s clipped wings
fresh oranges
and a heart full of rain
a series of
forgotten moments
perpetually on replay
and a broken dime store jukebox
once owned by a woman
who couldn’t be tamed
it’s everything i thought i wanted
but nothing i’ll ever need
and yet,
no matter how far i run
it seems
i can never get away
though it always gets away from me
too far gone
your hand
pulls me back
from the entrance
of my grave
yet six feet under
i can barely hear
you calling my name
i'm sorry, but i think
this time
it's too late
wandering
i once knew a woman
with no name
who traveled the world
searching in vain
for a place to call home
and a heart to tame
but the world
is no genie
and gave her instead
a story to tell
and expectations to shed
to live always
i cannot imagine
a worse fate
than to live always
in darkness
with only the idea
of light
in one's mind,
one's memory
to keep the cold
at bay
but then,
my imagination
makes no claim
to the divine
and is not,
perhaps,
even mine
what it means to be
flung about by the trees
brought to my knees
before the unquenchable power
of the seas
the sky and the earth
collapse upon my
fragile frame
reminding me for always
what it means to be humane
all i know
all i know
i learned from where
men dare not go
choice
one got the career
the other, the man
and if forced to choose
between the two...
i'd live out my lonely days
happily
with pen in hand
creative courage
i scribble down
haphazard thoughts
upon a page
hoping,
one day,
to be great
one day,
to be brave
line my coffin
line my coffin
with the bones
of the women
buried alive
before their time
mourn not
the loss of one
poor soul
but the death
of All
we could not bear
to live with
a woman's perspective on Sonnet 138
such foolish men i take into my bed
so eager to hear all manner of lies
that sweet as honey fall from tongue to head
and complete the ruse with virginal sighs
vainly they believe these counterfeit truths
that do appease their egos with each stroke
and thusly satisfy these would-be youths
with so much more than just a simple poke
tis my lot to crown the dry heads of men
with liquid gold and streams of precious gems
but both we know they only come again
for the truths i do in my bed condemn
and when i lie with them and they with me
we exist each in our own fantasy
smile
"you need to be more friendly,"
a man once told me
smiling
right before he sold me
memories
and now even the most tender caress
incites the phantom pain again
of his hand on my neck
and the thrust of a knife
into my broken
f l Es. h
to scare the monsters away
and now i live to terrify...
you underestimate
the danger of
prying
into my mind
breaking
into my body
forgetting
my humanity
if i can't kill as easily
at least,
i can kill
as suredly
and if you find me terrifying
blame those who did
terrible things
because they saw a 'thing'
when i only ever saw 'Me'
unconscious desire
if there were ever a day
i could walk away
from all that I am
and all that i’ve been
everything
i’ve so longed
to forget
make no mistake
not a pause would i take
but
with laces untied
and sack unpacked
i’d take that first step
out
onto an unmarked path
to waste away
the rest of my days
searching in glorious vain
for a life
over which
i alone would reign
light me up
light me up
and I’ll welcome the flames
like old friends
“i’ve known you before”
i’d say
“and i’ll know you again…
one day”
directionless
and what of thoughts
still unthunk
by all the world
in space and time
where language matters not
and what of reason
what of rhyme
what of all
we seek to find
for life goes on
and ends abrupt
whether god or science
or Self
is served
is loved
all my favorite men
all my favorite men are dead
and oft do i take
their corpses to bed
bodies that have long decayed
now pose no threat
to my desire to rest
and while their hearts and minds and souls remain
of and on this earth
they are - by rights - mine to take
to do with what i like
all that is left of their lives
and so, i take them
however i please
morning, noon, and night
some might cry
'but what of consent!'
to which i shall waste not my breath
nor hold my pen
happy in the knowledge
of my own intent
for unlike many alive today
and those long dead
whose unbled corpses
line my shelves
and fill the unclaimed spaces
in my head
the advantages i take
are not at the expense
of subjects objectified
beyond all reason and sense
but rather, objects
to which i can readily subject
my insatiable lust
for all that they have
and all that i must
the world may well be dimmer
had these 'great' men
never lived,
but in death
they finally pose my dear sisters
no immediate threat
and at least, like this
their past faults are easier to forget
if not altogether forgive
for the last time
i thought your name
for the last time
last night
it felt good to say goodbye
call last call
on the claim
your name once laid
to my heart
walk away from
all your unwinnable games
il y a beaucoup de vent
weightless is a danger
at the speeds at which
i fly
and the freedom felt
only moments ago
now chains me to
the possibility of death
with each
unexpected gust
of heavenly breath
surrounded on all sides
by an enemy
ever disguised
as simply the world
around which
my wings now spin
i know
as sure as I am still alive
that i cannot win
if it were fire
i could fight
water
i could swim
even the earth itself
can be conquered
by those who will only begin
but air
is a force of nature
still unknown to man
and one
even a woman
cannot withstand
runaway
could it be
that you and i
were always meant to flee
far from our fate:
the rusted chains
of this paltry reality
evidence
the scratches
tell a story:
where i've been
but also,
what i did
and what was done
to me -
with and without
my consent
misogyny
a circle of judgement
hangs around my life
chaining me to a sentence
worse than death
my worth
determined
by the prejudice of men
i’ve never met
were i to instead aspire
to their expectations
and desires
in my own eyes, at least,
i’d be worth less
no longer a person,
but an object to possess
insatiable greed
you worship the female form
then fight for the right
to tear it apart
walk away unscathed
from the bloody and broken thing
you create
from nothing but a sick fantasy
and insatiable greed
toxic masculinity
i've never seen my father cry
what has that done to me,
i wonder?
how fucked up
are my heart and mind
because i've never seen
my father cry
perhaps it's time
perhaps it’s time
for past due time
to rewrite the rules
cross that line
for the sands of time
are all but dry
and there is much still to do
before the waves of change
break over listless minds
vows for a summer love
were i could find another
quite so wonderful as you
my eye could not be caught
nor my heart made to beat more true
the sun could catch another's hair
like the glisten of the dew
and still my love would be strongest
for you and only you
the robin's song could fly
from lips as petals soft
but unlike my feelings for thee
its melody would be lost
i know of only thine eyes
and oh, thy smile -
my heart's prize
i am baptized in your love
and do confirm with certainty
you are all that i want
you are all that i need
until the skies turn grey and cold
you are the only one for me
love sick
your name is a cancer
in my mind
spreading quickly
growing steadily
if i had caught it early
would you have gone away?
or continued still
to leech the life
from my veins
i sicken in pieces -
first my heart
then my mind
one by one
until i’ve lost all
but the will to
think of you still
were a cure to be found
perhaps -
perhaps i could be saved
but fate will have its say
i’ll die with your name on my lips
and in my mind, your face
erupt
bury me in ash
for like Pompeii
i too am doomed
to fall prey
to nature's inevitable desires
the pressure builds
not far away
uncontrollable and wild
i know
a fiery death awaits
however fleeting it may be
and yet,
i'd die again each day
for the chance
to feel it erupt
within me
at peace
seven feet underground
i can finally hear the sound
of a heart beating in excitement
rather than fear
for once, in the nude
the scent of solitude
hangs lightly
in the air
beneath closed lids
i see what once was hid
on lips for which up was down
and down is now up
in the dark
there is a light
once lost in life
and the end
is blissfully here
stay
2am, and the chill in the air -
indifferent to my wishes
unconcerned with my resistance -
molests my exposed flesh
the strains of the bass thumping
and men humping
women whose hearts are unconscious
stalk me out of a bar
i never should have entered
desperate to erase the pain
i drag my hands along the walls
that lead the way
ripping them open
from knuckle to wrist
begging into the void
for the music
and the memories
the sounds
the screams
the ear-splitting soundless pleas
to stop
but a traitorous inner voice persists
whispering fear into my heart
cruelly insisting
'it will never get better'
'it will never get better'
'it will never get better'
'they will never get better'
'this world will never get better'
'nothing will ever get better'
the realization is a burglar
breaking and entering my body
taking all the hope i had left
and leaving me, empty,
with nothing but a scrap of unwanted truth:
this life,
this body
are a purgatory from which
no amount of prayer will
ever
enable me to escape
.
.
.
.
.
a bloody trail
leads to the middle of an unlit bridge
and the girl
who couldn't stop wondering
'what are you supposed to do
when you no longer want to live
but are too afraid to die?'
is gone.
the eyes i fear
i walk alone
looking for peace
the chance to breathe
forgetting, again
I am a woman
their stares intrude upon my solitude
they watch me as i pass by
and it scares me.
i can see myself in their eyes
the image of it -
of me -
haunts my thoughts
both awake and asleep
because what they see
isn't even a human being
my body
reflected in their eyes
is just another
unlikely possibility
a challenge to be accepted
a war to be fought
one more shot
at a perverse victory
their fantasies -
my nightmares -
are written across their faces
like words on a page
of a book I hope to never read
for if i ever did..
if i were to look at me
and only see what they see
i fear
it would be
the very end
of my humanity
of Me.
i don't know myself
i don't know myself
i lost her
somewhere down a road
i never wanted to go
the thoughts in my head
are sometimes mine
sometimes not
and sometimes they're
not even thoughts
the beating of my heart
feels foreign in a chest
that was never meant to open
but must have at one point -
because i can see through
every violent crack
every memory is clouded -
if they're even mine to claim -
they stay only as long as they like
and then, suddenly, go away
but there was a girl
i can still remember
once, long ago
who knew for certain
who she was
and in her body
felt at home
she seems now
but a fantasy
a fairytale told
to make life seem more tolerable
as the world grows cold
the hell women live
terror
is the shame
of having been afraid
but also, the anger
that comes with knowing
had anything happened
you would have been to blame
the mediocrity of humanity
our own insignificance
haunts us
all our days
and while we live them out
it lingers in the ground
waiting patiently
in its own time
for just the right moment
to pounce
tangled up inside myself
a mind of vines
strangling all reason and sense
has me
wishing
waiting
hoping
for death
inevitable
fleeting moments
glimpses
of the life we could lead
me loving you
you caring about me
my toothbrush stood by your sink
until the day that i left
or maybe the day after
or the one after that
i'll never know
the exact moment
you threw it away
or the feelings, the memories
and the welcome they overstayed
i didn't want to leave
but i left all the same
i broke your heart
and in return,
you forgot my very name
unattainable
no matter how high i climb
the bar is ever
just out of reach
even at the top
it seems
i must learn how to fly
if i would succeed
but women are not birds
and it’s no secret that
Victoria’s wings don’t work
like they should
weighing us down
instead of lifting us
into the clouds
perhaps if i jumped…
i start to think
maybe the tip of my finger
at least
could brush up against
all that i strive to be
can ideals be transferred
or is flesh too thick
for magic to get in?
i wonder and prepare
to faithfully leap
from the secure perch
I and my dedication have
worked so diligently
to reach
but at the last moment
i look down
finally un-dazzled by the glory
of what lies just above
my ability to try
i now see
the harsh reality
the ground below littered
with shattered dreams
the broken bodies of every woman
who came before me
those foolish, courageous few
who desired to model
the roles
we’re expected to assume
i heed their warning
and turn from my fate
hated for my choice
and the sacrifice
i refuse to make
pointless
money isn’t a root
but an insignificant leaf
on the tree of men’s greed
were i to be anything other
than what i am
were i to lead a different life
or wear another’s skin
perhaps i would be better
more successful
loving
brave
and kind
i would do great things -
people would know
and the world would remember
my name
or perhaps i would be worse
less thoughtful
gracious
intelligent
and tame
i would do terrible things -
people would know
and the world would remember
my name
perhaps it makes no difference -
as i do believe -
who we are
what we say
and less so,
what we achieve
for names are lost to time
and flesh rots away
the rights we protect are wronged
and wrongs are righted ‘ere long
this life is but a cycle
none can break
and in the end
death comes for us all,
one and the same
i know now
maybe i needed to be lost
to find the life
i almost drowned
at the bottom
of a hopelessness
so traumatically profound
i strayed from my own personhood
and discarded what i loved
i forgot the name i once was called
and worshipped gods
neither below nor above
but the path
i never would have chosen
if i knew what was to come
brought me here
to this very day
and all that i’ve become
the light in me
eradicates the darkness
that had consumed my soul
and there’s a strength
to my vulnerability
i alone control
one that no would-be Hercules
could ever conquer or defeat
I am worthy of respect
and always have been
i know now
I am a person
I am complete
i know that girl
i know that girl
her pain is my own
but not mine alone
it’s shared by all the women
who have suffered
and been struck down
by the stones
sinful men throw
hope knows not
i fail and fail and
fail again
i never get it right
i can’t seem to win
but hope knows not
of shallow sorrows
so i think i’ll continue
to try
for, at least
the rest of my Tomorrows
the mind that dares
between the pages
of a printed soul
my heart finds ease
even as my mind races on -
a baited bull
uncertain of what’s coming
yet instinctively responding
the pull to charge
no holds barred
at a flash of color in the distance
with unwavering persistence
for no other purpose than to see
whether a new life
or death awaits
the mind that dares
with an animal courage
to pull back that fatal curtain
and -
even if timidly -
peek
and -
even if stutteringly -
read
a sad truth
some people were not made for love
we bite the very hand that tries to feed us
and wonder why we starve
monsters
we talk of vampires
and you think it's silly i'm afraid
but i know monsters exist
for i learned my lesson long ago
and the body
i used to think of as my own
wasn't the only price i paid
there are no gods
there are no gods
only demons
from a hell of our own making
they torture us
because they can
because we're all so needy
there are no miracles
only promises
we all continue breaking
until every heart's a mess
until every soul is bleeding
there is no joy
there is no love
only emotions we're all faking
for life is empty of all purpose
barren of all meaning
when the dust settles
all the good intentions in the world
can't change what has been done
and justice - that poor old chap
can't fight a war that's won
I am a woman
i cannot be alone
i cannot simply exist
I am a woman
it just isn't my lot in life
though it is my deepest wish
the war drum of my body
the language of my heart
is violence
it's both the music
and the dance
an organ of destruction
a soldier in my chest
each beat is an attack
another brush with death
the war drum of my body
forever crying out
kill all who cannot understand
kill all -
even those we cannot live without
where the love sneaks in
they say
there's a distinction
between
your soul and mine
but i can't quite distinguish
or even really find
the place where yours ends
and mine begins
...is it there
where all the love
sneaks in?
what happens to women who trust
do you know what happens
to a woman
who dares to trust
any man so much
she would fall asleep
beside him -
lay
unconscious &
vulnerable
in his bed
the earth opens itself up
to swallow her whole
burn her flesh
to the bone
with a hellfire's lust
and return her
to this world
little more than dust
- womanhood is, itself, the eighth circle of hell
violated
i hate this body
i'm forced to live in
i know it wants me dead
it tells me all the time
i hear its whispers in my head
i hate this mind
i can't escape
every thought is like a knife
carving away
at the ropes that bind me
to my own discarded life
i hate this heart that beats
so haphazardly in my chest
doesn't it know its days are numbered
doesn't it realize i couldn't care less
if i have a soul
i hate that too
if for no other reason
than it's also a part of me -
just one more thing
for broken men to screw
if there is a maker to be met
one day when i'm free
i'll spit in his fucking face
and treat him no better
than this world has treated me
take back the night
is there more
to life
than dead neon
on a soulless night
ask not the men
who prowl these streets
and see only flesh
only choice
pieces of meat
barely enough for me
i wish i was
a million things
i can't quite describe
like the way
a smile
changes the shape
of your face
or how
the light in your eyes
shines brighter
than heaven
to those who don't stand
a chance in hell
of getting in
i wish i was
the hymn of praise
on the curve of your lips
the one
that you save
for all those
moments when
i wish i was
the night
to cover
your sins
but also the sun
to shine down on
your soul
a blinding aura of gold
i wish i was
the sound
your heart makes
when it breaks
i'd stay silent
forever
but never stray
too far away
i wish i was
the color of the sky
on a bleak, gloomy day
for then
only a mind like yours
would love me
only your heart
would beg me to stay
i wish i was
and could be
all of this for you
but i can barely breathe
for me,
let alone
exist for two
beginnings
how to write
about a romance
just begun
impossible to claim
him - yet
as the one
but his smile
creates a vacuum
where potential can exist
and his eyes
disarm a heart
cloaked still in darkness
and i can almost feel it
and i can almost feel it
rotting away inside me
this death that grows slowly
so slowly
that when it comes
i'm not just prepared
but happy
i can't wait to greet it
smiling
as i scream in pain
thinking of a name
while the body decays
what to call this
festering fatality
this end to life
as i've always known it
and never will again
i feel the sickness
pulling me in
with every push
it becomes less and less clear
whether life or death
awaits my next breath
i enter the darkness
and leave my own body
the screams from within
now without
without
for nothing is left within
nothing
but a hollow, empty
space where
nothing
now exists
the cord is cut
the bond broken
and yet, i find myself
more connected than ever
tied forever
to the death
i gave life
in every Ever
this world is Ever changing
Ever creating
and recreating
Everything we see
but of all the Evers
that have Ever been
and Ever still will be
Every place
Every person
and Every point in time
that will nEver come again
it's your face
and your face alone
that forEver
sets me free
drawn to the light
he lit the world on fire
with every breath he took
and i -
drawn to his light
and the warmth
of his blazing pain -
stood perhaps
too close
the flames danced
across my life -
past
present
and
future
burning it all
to the ground
a holy fire
of my heart's desire
allowing us both
to begin anew
preyed upon
and without warning
the hunt was on...
a friendly foe/false friend
leapt from under cover
of my trust
i made no decision
but surrendered my spirit
and lost
more than he won
the time it needs to heal
i don't know what to do
with my h