top of page

on the edge

(a little short of dying)

my heart pounds against its cage

five times in a single second -

an eternity on the edge 

my ears are canyons 

reverberating the symphony of blood

as it gushes on ahead of the conductor




the eternal chant

of blood

and breath

and bone

mais je voudrais

le petit mort




the muscles in my calf

stretch up toward the sky,

reaching out in impatience 

for a nonexistent deity


teasing me closer still


to feel the rush of air

as my body, rigid

falls through its bones


just one more foot

just one more foot

and then another


a body lifted

down to earth


fallen angel; broken spirit

of yet undetermined worth


gifted a new life in death

the chance to be reborn


Womb of Darkness; ever shrouded

through which - 

from love’s arms -

this first of many lives is torn 

in wild dreams i sleep

in wild dreams i sleep

erratic sheets

and unkempt thoughts


visions of a future

I know

I know

I know

uncertain though

i may otherwise be

is meant for me alone

the creation of the universe

in waking hours - when light fills all

seems less a task

than lucid prophecies 

of what must be still born

beneath dark lids

and the foreboding

of a darker past

to no child shall my fate lay claim

unheard newborn cries

but rather,

the desperate irrevocable change 

of all the world

by and by 

the beauty of mortality

and if i could but realize 

i’ve only ever wanted that

which never wanted me


i might with true eyes 

one day see

that happiness is not a 

thing we find


but rather, 

like a lock without a key

snowless winter

summer-less rain

painless love

or an endless day


life be nothing more or less

than that which we perceive 

and without doubt

shall end in death 

else forsake all quality

invisible bars 

i’m shackled to a life

i refuse to believe exists

i wake each morning

begging for release

wondering when


i’ll ever be free 

never will i ever

never will i ever

walk without fear

of all that could happen

should the wrong man appear 

never will i ever

know how it feels

to be seen as impenetrable 

as if made of steel 

never will i ever

live in a world

where i will be praised

for running

or hitting

or succeeding 

“like a girl”


never will i ever

be number one

for sitting down

and just getting it done


never will i ever

know what it’s like

to live at the top

and bask in that light


never will i ever

be anything 

but what I am

a woman

a female

and - in the eyes of men -

a second-class 


for fear of speaking out

for fear of speaking out

for years i shut my mouth


internalized my pain

and so, immortalized their shame


i know no other way

for this life to play out


than cowered darkness

on display


the perpetuity of non-existence

set ablaze 


desperate whispers in my head

unintelligible and vain 


beseech me to give in

staking their claim


laid out underground 

alone at last


the screams leave my body

a healing balm against an unchangeable past


a traveler's true colors

in a sunset exists

every shade and tint and hue

of goodbye


a re-creation of longing

of missing (out)


the sun does not simply set,

but abandons the world

once again

an inimitable explosion of

color and emotion

blazing, breath-taking, beguiling, brief 

the blue sky bewildered anew

at the whim

of a single star,

one scarlet-fire desire




every inch of the earth’s

cerulean-jade surface

through the indigo depths of space

all that exists

beyond the horizon




the act itself

an inextinguishable inferno

shining white-bright

in the deep-dyed darkness 

of absence, of night


Home is a sunlit

california mountain range

on a bittersweet day


it’s clipped wings

fresh oranges

and a heart full of rain 


a series of 

forgotten moments

perpetually on replay 


and a broken dime store jukebox

once owned by a woman

who couldn’t be tamed 


it’s everything i thought i wanted

but nothing i’ll ever need


and yet,

no matter how far i run 

it seems

i can never get away 

though it always gets away from me

too far gone

your hand

pulls me back

from the entrance

of my grave

yet six feet under

i can barely hear

you calling my name

i'm sorry, but i think

this time

it's too late


i once knew a woman

with no name

who traveled the world

searching in vain

for a place to call home

and a heart to tame

but the world

is no genie

and gave her instead

a story to tell

and expectations to shed

to live always

i cannot imagine

a worse fate

than to live always

in darkness

with only the idea

of light

in one's mind,

one's memory

to keep the cold

at bay

but then,

my imagination

makes no claim

to the divine

and is not, 


even mine

what it means to be

flung about by the trees

brought to my knees

before the unquenchable power

of the seas

the sky and the earth

collapse upon my

fragile frame

reminding me for always

what it means to be humane

all i know

all i know

i learned from where

men dare not go


one got the career

the other, the man

and if forced to choose

between the two...

i'd live out my lonely days


with pen in hand

creative courage

i scribble down

haphazard thoughts

upon a page


one day,

to be great

one day,

to be brave

line my coffin

line my coffin

with the bones

of the women

buried alive

before their time


mourn not 

the loss of one 

poor soul 

but the death 

of All 

we could not bear

to live with

a woman's perspective on Sonnet 138

such foolish men i take into my bed

so eager to hear all manner of lies

that sweet as honey fall from tongue to head

and complete the ruse with virginal sighs

vainly they believe these counterfeit truths

that do appease their egos with each stroke

and thusly satisfy these would-be youths

with so much more than just a simple poke

tis my lot to crown the dry heads of men

with liquid gold and streams of precious gems

but both we know they only come again

for the truths i do in my bed condemn

and when i lie with them and they with me

we exist each in our own fantasy


"you need to be more friendly,"

a man once told me


right before he sold me


and now even the most tender caress

incites the phantom pain again

of his hand on my neck

and the thrust of a knife

into my broken 

f  l     Es.    h

to scare the monsters away

and now i live to terrify...

you underestimate

the danger of


into my mind


into my body


my humanity

if i can't kill as easily

at least,

i can kill

as suredly

and if you find me terrifying

blame those who did

terrible things

because they saw a 'thing'

when i only ever saw 'Me'

unconscious desire

if there were ever a day

i could walk away

from all that I am

and all that i’ve been



i’ve so longed

to forget


make no mistake

not a pause would i take



with laces untied

and sack unpacked

i’d take that first step


onto an unmarked path


to waste away

the rest of my days

searching in glorious vain

for a life

over which

i alone would reign 

light me up

light me up

and I’ll welcome the flames

like old friends


“i’ve known you before”

i’d say

“and i’ll know you again…

one day”


and what of thoughts

still unthunk 

by all the world

in space and time

where language matters not


and what of reason

what of rhyme

what of all

we seek to find 


for life goes on

and ends abrupt


whether god or science 

or Self

is served

is loved 

all my favorite men

all my favorite men are dead

and oft do i take 

their corpses to bed

bodies that have long decayed

now pose no threat

to my desire to rest

and while their hearts and minds and souls remain

of and on this earth

they are - by rights - mine to take

to do with what i like

all that is left of their lives

and so, i take them

however i please

morning, noon, and night

some might cry

'but what of consent!'

to which i shall waste not my breath

nor hold my pen

happy in the knowledge 

of my own intent

for unlike many alive today

and those long dead

whose unbled corpses

line my shelves

and fill the unclaimed spaces

in my head

the advantages i take

are not at the expense

of subjects objectified

beyond all reason and sense

but rather, objects

to which i can readily subject

my insatiable lust

for all that they have

and all that i must

the world may well be dimmer

had these 'great' men

never lived,

but in death

they finally pose my dear sisters

no immediate threat

and at least, like this

their past faults are easier to forget

if not altogether forgive

for the last time

i thought your name

for the last time

last night

it felt good to say goodbye

call last call

on the claim

your name once laid

to my heart

walk away from

all your unwinnable games

il y a beaucoup de vent

weightless is a danger

at the speeds at which

i fly


and the freedom felt

only moments ago


now chains me to

the possibility of death

with each 

unexpected gust 

of heavenly breath


surrounded on all sides

by an enemy

ever disguised

as simply the world

around which 

my wings now spin


i know

as sure as I am still alive

that i cannot win


if it were fire

i could fight



i could swim


even the earth itself

can be conquered

by those who will only begin


but air

is a force of nature

still unknown to man

and one

even a woman

cannot withstand 


could it be

that you and i

were always meant to flee

far from our fate:

the rusted chains

of this paltry reality


the scratches

tell a story:

where i've been

but also,

what i did

and what was done

to me -

with and without

my consent


a circle of judgement 

hangs around my life

chaining me to a sentence 

worse than death


my worth


by the prejudice of men

i’ve never met 


were i to instead aspire

to their expectations 

and desires  

in my own eyes, at least,

i’d be worth less

no longer a person,

but an object to possess 

insatiable greed

you worship the female form

then fight for the right

to tear it apart

walk away unscathed

from the bloody and broken thing

you create

from nothing but a sick fantasy

and insatiable greed

toxic masculinity

i've never seen my father cry

what has that done to me,

i wonder?

how fucked up

are my heart and mind

because i've never seen

my father cry

perhaps it's time

perhaps it’s time

for past due time

to rewrite the rules

cross that line


for the sands of time

are all but dry

and there is much still to do

before the waves of change 

break over listless minds 

vows for a summer love

were i could find another

quite so wonderful as you

my eye could not be caught

nor my heart made to beat more true

the sun could catch another's hair

like the glisten of the dew

and still my love would be strongest

for you and only you

the robin's song could fly

from lips as petals soft

but unlike my feelings for thee

its melody would be lost

i know of only thine eyes

and oh, thy smile -

my heart's prize

i am baptized in your love

and do confirm with certainty

you are all that i want

you are all that i need

until the skies turn grey and cold

you are the only one for me

love sick

your name is a cancer 

in my mind

spreading quickly 

growing steadily


if i had caught it early

would you have gone away?

or continued still

to leech the life

from my veins


i sicken in pieces -

first my heart

then my mind

one by one

until i’ve lost all

but the will to

think of you still 


were a cure to be found

perhaps -

perhaps i could be saved


but fate will have its say 

i’ll die with your name on my lips

and in my mind, your face 


bury me in ash

for like Pompeii

i too am doomed

to fall prey

to nature's inevitable desires

the pressure builds

not far away

uncontrollable and wild

i know

a fiery death awaits

however fleeting it may be

and yet,

i'd die again each day

for the chance

to feel it erupt

within me

at peace

seven feet underground

i can finally hear the sound

of a heart beating in excitement

rather than fear

for once, in the nude

the scent of solitude

hangs lightly 

in the air

beneath closed lids

i see what once was hid

on lips for which up was down

and down is now up

in the dark

there is a light

once lost in life

and the end

is blissfully here



2am, and the chill in the air -

indifferent to my wishes

unconcerned with my resistance - 

molests my exposed flesh

the strains of the bass thumping

and men humping

women whose hearts are unconscious

stalk me out of a bar

i never should have entered

desperate to erase the pain

i drag my hands along the walls

that lead the way

ripping them open 

from knuckle to wrist

begging into the void

    for the music

    and the memories

    the sounds

    the screams

    the ear-splitting soundless pleas

to stop

but a traitorous inner voice persists

whispering fear into my heart

cruelly insisting 

'it will never get better'

'it will never get better'

'it will never get better'

'they will never get better'

'this world will never get better'

'nothing will ever get better'

the realization is a burglar

breaking and entering my body

taking all the hope i had left

and leaving me, empty,

with nothing but a scrap of unwanted truth:

       this life,

       this body

       are a purgatory from which

       no amount of prayer will


       enable me to escape






a bloody trail

leads to the middle of an unlit bridge

and the girl 

who couldn't stop wondering

'what are you supposed to do

when you no longer want to live

but are too afraid to die?'

                                                     is gone.

the eyes i fear

i walk alone

looking for peace

the chance to breathe

forgetting, again 

I am a woman

their stares intrude upon my solitude

they watch me as i pass by

and it scares me.

i can see myself in their eyes

the image of it -

of me -

haunts my thoughts

both awake and asleep

because what they see

isn't even a human being

my body

reflected in their eyes

is just another

unlikely possibility

a challenge to be accepted

a war to be fought

one more shot

at a perverse victory

their fantasies -

my nightmares - 

are written across their faces

like words on a page

of a book I hope to never read

for if i ever did..

if i were to look at me

and only see what they see

i fear

it would be 

the very end 

of my humanity

of Me.

i don't know myself

i don't know myself

i lost her

somewhere down a road

i never wanted to go

the thoughts in my head

are sometimes mine

sometimes not

and sometimes they're

not even thoughts

the beating of my heart

feels foreign in a chest

that was never meant to open 

but must have at one point -

because i can see through

every violent crack

every memory is clouded - 

if they're even mine to claim -

they stay only as long as they like

and then, suddenly, go away

but there was a girl 

i can still remember

once, long ago

who knew for certain

who she was

and in her body

felt at home

she seems now

but a fantasy

a fairytale told

to make life seem more tolerable

as the world grows cold

the hell women live


is the shame

of having been afraid

but also, the anger

that comes with knowing

had anything happened

you would have been to blame

the mediocrity of humanity

our own insignificance

haunts us

all our days

and while we live them out

it lingers in the ground

waiting patiently

in its own time

for just the right moment

to pounce

tangled up inside myself

a mind of vines

strangling all reason and sense

has me




for death


fleeting moments


of the life we could lead

me loving you

you caring about me

my toothbrush stood by your sink

until the day that i left

or maybe the day after

or the one after that

i'll never know

the exact moment

you threw it away

or the feelings, the memories

and the welcome they overstayed

i didn't want to leave

but i left all the same

i broke your heart

and in return,

you forgot my very name


no matter how high i climb

the bar is ever

just out of reach

even at the top

it seems

i must learn how to fly

if i would succeed


but women are not birds

and it’s no secret that

Victoria’s wings don’t work

like they should

weighing us down

instead of lifting us

into the clouds


perhaps if i jumped…

i start to think

maybe the tip of my finger

at least

could brush up against

all that i strive to be


can ideals be transferred

or is flesh too thick

for magic to get in?

i wonder and prepare

to faithfully leap

from the secure perch

I and my dedication have 

worked so diligently

to reach


but at the last moment

i look down

finally un-dazzled by the glory

of what lies just above

my ability to try

i now see

the harsh reality

the ground below littered

with shattered dreams

the broken bodies of every woman

who came before me


those foolish, courageous few

who desired to model

the roles 

we’re expected to assume



i heed their warning

and turn from my fate

hated for my choice

and the sacrifice

i refuse to make 


money isn’t a root

but an insignificant leaf

on the tree of men’s greed


were i to be anything other

than what i am


were i to lead a different life

or wear another’s skin


perhaps i would be better

    more successful



    and kind


i would do great things -

people would know 

and the world would remember 

my name


or perhaps i would be worse

    less thoughtful



    and tame


i would do terrible things -

people would know 

and the world would remember

my name



perhaps it makes no difference -

as i do believe -

who we are

what we say

and less so,

what we achieve


for names are lost to time

and flesh rots away

the rights we protect are wronged

and wrongs are righted ‘ere long


this life is but a cycle

none can break

and in the end

death comes for us all,

one and the same


i know now

maybe i needed to be lost

to find the life

i almost drowned

at the bottom

of a hopelessness

so traumatically profound

i strayed from my own personhood

and discarded what i loved

i forgot the name i once was called

and worshipped gods

neither below nor above 


but the path 

i never would have chosen

if i knew what was to come 

brought me here

to this very day

and all that i’ve become

the light in me

eradicates the darkness

that had consumed my soul

and there’s a strength 

to my vulnerability

i alone control

one that no would-be Hercules

could ever conquer or defeat

I am worthy of respect

and always have been

i know now 

I am a person

I am complete



i know that girl

i know that girl

her pain is my own

but not mine alone

it’s shared by all the women

who have suffered

and been struck down

by the stones

sinful men throw 

hope knows not

i fail and fail and 

fail again

i never get it right

i can’t seem to win


but hope knows not 

of shallow sorrows

so i think i’ll continue

to try

for, at least

the rest of my Tomorrows

the mind that dares

between the pages

of a printed soul

my heart finds ease

even as my mind races on -

a baited bull 

uncertain of what’s coming

yet instinctively responding 

the pull to charge

no holds barred

at a flash of color in the distance

with unwavering persistence  

for no other purpose than to see

whether a new life

or death awaits

the mind that dares

with an animal courage

to pull back that fatal curtain

and - 

even if timidly -


and -

even if stutteringly - 


a sad truth

some people were not made for love

we bite the very hand that tries to feed us

and wonder why we starve


we talk of vampires

and you think it's silly i'm afraid

but i know monsters exist

for i learned my lesson long ago

and the body

i used to think of as my own

wasn't the only price i paid

there are no gods

there are no gods

only demons

from a hell of our own making

they torture us

because they can

because we're all so needy

there are no miracles

only promises

we all continue breaking

until every heart's a mess

until every soul is bleeding

there is no joy

there is no love

only emotions we're all faking

for life is empty of all purpose

barren of all meaning

when the dust settles

all the good intentions in the world

can't change what has been done

and justice - that poor old chap

can't fight a war that's won

I am a woman

i cannot be alone

i cannot simply exist

I am a woman

it just isn't my lot in life

though it is my deepest wish

the war drum of my body

the language of my heart

is violence

it's both the music

and the dance

an organ of destruction

a soldier in my chest

each beat is an attack

another brush with death

the war drum of my body

forever crying out

kill all who cannot understand

kill all -

      even those we cannot live without 

where the love sneaks in

they say

there's a distinction 

your soul and mine

but i can't quite distinguish

or even really find

the place where yours ends

and mine begins it there

where all the love

sneaks in?

what happens to women who trust

do you know what happens

to a woman

who dares to trust

any man so much

she would fall asleep

beside him -


unconscious &


in his bed

the earth opens itself up

to swallow her whole

burn her flesh

to the bone

with a hellfire's lust

and return her 

to this world

little more than dust

- womanhood is, itself, the eighth circle of hell


i hate this body

i'm forced to live in

i know it wants me dead

it tells me all the time

i hear its whispers in my head

i hate this mind

i can't escape

every thought is like a knife

carving away

at the ropes that bind me

to my own discarded life

i hate this heart that beats

so haphazardly in my chest

doesn't it know its days are numbered

doesn't it realize i couldn't care less

if i have a soul

i hate that too

if for no other reason

than it's also a part of me -

just one more thing

for broken men to screw

if there is a maker to be met

one day when i'm free

i'll spit in his fucking face

and treat him no better

than this world has treated me

take back the night

is there more

to life

than dead neon

on a soulless night

ask not the men

who prowl these streets

and see only flesh

only choice

pieces of meat

barely enough for me

i wish i was

a million things

i can't quite describe

like the way

a smile

changes the shape

of your face

or how

the light in your eyes

shines brighter

than heaven

to those who don't stand

a chance in hell

of getting in

i wish i was

the hymn of praise

on the curve of your lips

the one

that you save

for all those 

moments when

i wish i was

the night

to cover

your sins

but also the sun

to shine down on

your soul

a blinding aura of gold

i wish i was

the sound

your heart makes

when it breaks

i'd stay silent


but never stray

too far away

i wish i was

the color of the sky

on a bleak, gloomy day

for then

only a mind like yours 

would love me

only your heart

would beg me to stay

i wish i was

and could be

all of this for you

but i can barely breathe

for me,

let alone

exist for two


how to write

about a romance

just begun

impossible to claim

him - yet

as the one

but his smile

creates a vacuum

where potential can exist

and his eyes 

disarm a heart

cloaked still in darkness

and i can almost feel it

and i can almost feel it

rotting away inside me

this death that grows slowly

so slowly

that when it comes

i'm not just prepared

but happy

i can't wait to greet it


as i scream in pain

thinking of a name

while the body decays

what to call this

festering fatality

this end to life

as i've always known it

and never will again

i feel the sickness

pulling me in

with every push

it becomes less and less clear

whether life or death

awaits my next breath

i enter the darkness

and leave my own body

the screams from within

now without


for nothing is left within


but a hollow, empty

space where


now exists

the cord is cut

the bond broken

and yet, i find myself

more connected than ever

tied forever

to the death

i gave life

in every Ever

this world is Ever changing

Ever creating

and recreating

Everything we see

but of all the Evers

that have Ever been

and Ever still will be

Every place

Every person

and Every point in time

that will nEver come again

it's your face

and your face alone

that forEver

sets me free

drawn to the light

he lit the world on fire

with every breath he took

and i -

drawn to his light

and the warmth

of his blazing pain -

stood perhaps 

too close

the flames danced

across my life -





burning it all

to the ground

a holy fire

of my heart's desire

allowing us both

to begin anew

preyed upon

and without warning

the hunt was on...

a friendly foe/false friend

leapt from under cover

of my trust

i made no decision

but surrendered my spirit

and lost

more than he won

the time it needs to heal

i don't know what to do

with my h