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love without trust isn’t Love. 

it’s just desperation.

i’m good for his ego... 

he’s poison for my heart.

we have this weird relationship where i bare my soul to him and he makes jokes to make me smile 

and somehow or other we can’t seem to stay out of each other’s lives 

i mistook the absence of cruelty for kindness and it caused me three years of unnecessary heartache. 

he wasn’t a “bad guy” just a self-interested coward who ilked the way my love felt

maybe one day i won’t think about you in all the in-between moments of my life. 

your face won’t re-surface in my consciousness 

and i won’t hear the sound of your voice more clearly than i can hear my own begging for it all to stop... 

maybe, hopefully, but also, doubtfully.

and if that day never comes 

at least I know I’m strong enough to survive the memories of everything you did to me, 

all the places you broke me.

if you need to touch me 

to know that i exist

better keep your hands to yourself

i only ever disappear

don’t you dare 

say the words 

you know i want to hear

too many years have passed

and i know you don’t care 

you deserve magic

- yes, but I’ll settle for happiness

i write about him. 

i write about him all the time. 

every thought, every word 

even when they’re not about him.... 

they’re about him.

i think about him all the time.

i think about him when i want to

i think about him when i don’t want to

and i think about him when i don’t even realize that i’m thinking. 

he comes back to me in glimpses, images, memories, and movies

it’s a smell or a color or the sight of the moon in the sky 

and then all i can see is his face 

or smell his neck 

as i inch impossibly closer to his body -

until distance is only a concept that exists in theory -

and when i finally fall asleep, 

ensconced in your arms, 

back in your life.

i’ve never slept better

if the universe was kind, you and i would never have met. 

it’s not about who says it 

it’s this idea that love is measurable 

that it can be more or less…

but when i say

i love you most 

i don’t mean 

“i love you more than you love me” 

but, rather 

“i love you the most possible that it is to love another person”

love so readily

so fully

so selflessly

that the beauty and color of the entire world

pales in comparison 

to the emotional landscape of your heart

you can still walk on a broken leg, but the pain is excruciating. 

you can still love with a broken heart, but the pain is unbearable.

and, in that moment, i felt it. 

the magic that the world used to be ruled by; 

the unknown, the miraculous, the indescribable.

i’m not going to waste my life passively waiting around to be wanted

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